Thursday, 2 October 2014

First Draft of the Bill of Rights

1. There shall be 600 MPs in the Parliament, in the following proportions: England 502, Scotland 52, Wales 30, Northern Ireland 16.  All MPs from outwith England will be forbidden from voting on matters not affecting their country, even if it has an indirect effect on their country by reducing expenditure in England and therefore the block grant given to them.

2. The remuneration of MPs will be decided by a committee and voted on by the Parliament.  The increase will not need to take account of any austerity measures in place, and will be voted through after a token debate.  Furthermore, MPs will be permitted to claim for all expenses (reasonable and unreasonable) in addition to their salary.  Should any member be found to have claimed expenses incorrectly, they will be allowed to repay the money and be given a light slap on the wrist.

3. The Parliament will respect the right of all citizens to practise a religion.  However, any religion other than the Church of England will be regarded will deep suspicion and its adherents monitored as appropriate.

4. The Parliament will respect the right to free speech, except where the views espoused are deemed by a committee to be in any way contrary to sensible parliamentarian world views, in which case the right to post to Facebook and Twitter will be removed. 

5. The freedom of the press will also be respected, providing the views of the incumbent government are promoted as required.  Stories on any mischief perpetrated by any MP, their families and friends shall not be reported and will have injunctions taken out to prevent publication.

6. The people have a right to free assembly, but the Parliament reserves the right to order kettling of protesters when they deem in necessary, and possibly deployment of water cannon and/or tasers.  The people also have the right to petition the Parliament for a redress of grievances.  The Parliament will listen and then take action as it deems fit at an appropriate time, depending on other priorities, maybe.

7. Citizens will be expected to find gainful employment of any kind, not necessarily related to their skills.  Such employment may offer zero or more hours worked in a given week, and the remuneration need not be sufficient to meet a minimum of living costs.

8. In the event that a citizen is without gainful employment, they are entitled to a bare minimum of living costs from the state.  However, this will involve jumping through more hoops that a troupe of performing dogs, and may be removed at any time for any perceived infraction of the action plan agreed with Jobcentre Plus staff, regardless of the reason for this dereliction.

9. All citizens have a right to an education.  Those without the means to pay will be given a free basic education to secondary level.  Tertiary education will be subject to fees set by the Universities in accordance with guidelines to be set out by Parliament.  Attendance at a University will be at the discretion of the establishment and need not necessarily be related to academic ability.

10. All citizens shall have the right to free basic health care.  Anything over and above basic health care may be obtained quickly for payment, otherwise there will be long waiting times for treatment, where available.

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